For the last couple of weeks my head has been in a really dark place. I have been in a funk, a haze; an overall incredibly un-Dawnlike mood. Since starting Crossfit I haven’t found many days that I feel like this, my medications have been balanced out by the exercise, and my moods stabilized quite a bit. Crossfit has been a “wonder drug” in many ways but sometimes we have to talk about what happens when your “medication” fails.
For the most part of these past few weeks I’ve managed to save face while at Crossfit. I’ve smiled, joked around, and pushed as hard as my body and mind allowed but it wasn’t genuine. It didn’t feel real. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I saw my friends, my loved ones, my WOD scores, but they weren’t really there. I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety since I was 15, so this is nothing new to me. I understand that there are ups and downs and for the most part I have had the depression/anxiety under control. I take medications to limit the depression/anxiety effects but sometimes those medications don’t work, stop working, or just aren’t enough. I try to surround myself with loving and caring people but again, sometimes those people aren’t enough. I also try to distract myself by reading, writing, or working out, again, sometimes that just isn’t enough. When what you think is enough isn’t enough it can be a large burden. I sit and think, “Why am I feeling like this when I have everything that I need to be happy? Why do I need more, or what is it that SHOULD make me happy?” I replay these questions and so many more many times a day when I’m in these moods. It’s never ending, and exhausting. While these thoughts might be exhausting to me I can only imagine the toll that it takes on my husband and son, my mother, and father, and my in-laws. I’m grateful enough to have an amazing support system within my family and they understand my depression. They get that sometimes I just need a hug, or to be left alone. When some people get depressed they get downright nasty and mean, taking everything, even the smallest thing and turn it into a fight, I get the opposite. I become introverted and overly-emotional. The thought of my son turning six has made me cry every day on my way to work as of late, my cat getting older makes me sad, and the thought of my brother maybe making it to my son’s birthday party had me in tears. Yes, most of these things are emotional, however, my depression takes that normal emotional feeling and turns it into a tidal wave of craziness. Thankfully the people around me get that making these times a little bit easier.
Because of all of these recent mood changes and funky feelings I recently made an appointment to meet with my doctor about my medication and to possibly switch over to something different or to perhaps just up my dose. For some people this might be an embarrassing topic, something that they feel ashamed about but for me it’s life. I live my life the best that I can and if it includes having to take a medication to help me feel better, and enjoy life then that’s the way that it is. I have come to terms with that. No one should ever feel ashamed for bettering themselves, as long as it is done in a healthy, and positive way. For me that positive and healthy thing right now is medication therapy, crossfit, and family/friends. This time next month I’ll hopefully have my medications, moods, and life back to normal, and I can focus more clearly on my workouts. This is not to be read that I haven’t been focused on attending classes, just that I have been going through the motions with little to no emotion about it which is almost as equally as terrible.
So to end this entry on a positive note, I’ve noticed my clothes fitting looser, the muscles in my arms starting to show, and that my legs have thinned out a lot! I have yet to go near a scale (those are scary) but I could almost guarantee that it is has gone down in the past month or two. These are huge incentives for me. The hard work that I’ve been putting in is finally becoming noticeable to me! They say it takes a while for you to notice change on yourself, and to actually see it is incredible. I can’t wait to see where I am in a couple of months, and even a year from now, bring on those “GUNS”! These changes wouldn’t have come without the opportunity that I was given by Eric and Sarah and I am forever grateful for that. These two amazing people have given me my life back, have given me the opportunity to change, and become the healthier, happier me that was hiding in that yucky fat, and unhealthy suit.
Here’s to more muscles, bigger lifts, and ALL THE FIT AIDS, I’ll see you all at the box.
Dawn is a participant in CrossFit Nashua's 2015/2016 "Fit-For-Life" program. Participants track their progress in the CrossFit training program during the coming 1-year period and log their progress in this blog. Best of luck Dawn, in meeting your training goals!